| Great. I just love my life. Rotary calls and says I can’t participate
in Vipassana, the meditation course. India Rotary is upset with me because I
have embarrassed them. I contacted an exchange student safety committee to tell
them about the temple incident, and then I contacted the US Consulate when they
called to check up on me. My host mother instructed me not to tell Kaka, and so
I was scared to tell anyone in any way involved with my host family. But
someone had to be told about it. Important people contacted US Rotary to tell
them about this. US Rotary then contacted Indian Rotary to tell them off for
not taking care of me. Indian Rotary didn’t even know about the incident at
all. Mass confusion everywhere and all anger directed at me. Fabulous. So anyway, I didn’t even know that the
place where Vipassana is held, Igatpuri, is not in my Rotary district. I must
inform Rotary when I will be leaving my district. As I didn’t inform them, and
all my plans are pretty much finalised for the trip there, they are very upset
with me. They have told me I am not allowed to go. My host family, other
exchange students, or Rotarians would not be there with me. Since I’m going
alone, and it’s not in my district, they don’t want any further embarrassment
and have prohibited me from going. Vipassana was the only reason I was staying
for as long as I have planned. I leave this country immediately after it. Since I can’t do Vipassana, I want to go home
– NOW! Oh, but I can’t; my ticket is already booked for 16 May. I don’t have
the money to change the ticket date. My mother was fired from her job a few
weeks after I came to India. I am no longer working since I am here, and am therefore not
earning. No cash from anywhere. I have to sit here idly with this terrible
hatred for India festering in my heart, hating my life, and with a lot of free time
to consider joining the masses of farmers in Maharashtra who are committing
suicide because there is no longer any hope left in their lives. When I e-mail Rotary at home, I receive failure
notices. I cannot contact them. After requesting my mother to please send me
updated e-mail addresses or current mobile/residence/work numbers about five
times, I just gave up. I called my great grandmother’s house today to demand
that someone from home send me all the contact information from every Rotarian
they possibly can STAT. She is the only person with a phone (good job paying
the bills, Mom), and no one answered. Dead-end. That’s just lovely. US Rotary also informed Indian Rotary that
I should have been sent home as soon as I stopped attending school. School here
has always been a major issue. Deogiri College which
is where I am enrolled for legal purposes, was an English-medium school but
there was a good deal of it in Marathi. I had a terrible time understanding
what went on in class. Shift to Nath Valley School. The
teachers are always making me feel stupid. Students are teasing me. I am not
aware of the rules of a boarding school, and so I break them without being
aware of it. Punishment for minor things is cruel and outlawed in the US. They
forced me to eat. I was scared to go there. I wasn’t learning. And I came home
every day from school and cried, because I felt worthless. I started to believe
my teachers when I was doing my homework and couldn’t solve any problems. Leave Nath Valley. Too
strict, and with Rotary trips coming up all the time, not flexible enough.
Attend private classes with tutors. Hindi teacher cannot communicate in English
so I can understand what she is saying. Dropped that. Computer teacher is
absolutely the most incompetent person in the world. I complained every single
day, finally got too frustrated, and dropped that. Math tutor every day told me
any small child could solve the sums he was giving me, refused to teach me when
I requested him to, was always flirting with me, and made me fully believe I
was just as stupid as everyone here said I was. I came home from his class
everyday in tears also. Dropped that after I couldn’t take it anymore. New
Hindi teacher left Aurangabad frequently, and I’m really not sure what happened to her. Finally,
some salvation came in the form of the Engel Language Institute. Joined German,
Japanese, and French. Japanese and French timings were changed and they
overlapped. Dropped Japanese. Had Rotary trips, the rickshaw incident, was
prohibitted from going outside of the house, and had the trial to deal with.
Missed over 2 months of class. Attendance requirements not met and no way to
ever catch up. My last hope, extinguished. And, even when I go home, I have no place
to stay. My mother moved from our house, and I have no room where she lives
now. She leaves my sister with my great-grandmother, and neglects her duty as a
grand-daughter and mother to take care of my sister and sick grandparents.
There is no way my grandparents can support me financially along with
themselves and my younger sister. I cannot support myself. The orphanage is the
only place for me to go. Unless I can sleep in someone’s garage. No credit for this year. No way to
graduate. No way I could take the punishment of being held back a year for
going through this whole year hating nearly every day I spent here. No way to
survive without an education. No brains anyway to get that education. No home
to return to. No hope left. No will
to continue living anymore. I wish God would put me out of my misery and just
kill me now. But, no. To show me He cares, He has blessed me with an extensive collection of new mosquito bites.
So what’s come out of this year? Well, I am
an angry and raging feminist with a severe hatred for men. My anti-malaria
medicine has severely damaged the makeup of my brain and made me crazy enough
to warrant some hard-core anti-psychotics and a lot of anti-depressants. I have
developed an eating disorder. I would be addicted to drugs and alcohol (if I
could get more). There is little that can motivate me to do anything that is in
any way seen as remotely productive.
I’m almost ready to give up. The only reason I want to live is because I love Elliott. I wouldn't hurt him like that.
Life is suffering. And right now, I don’t
care about the other Noble Truths. |
